Movie 43
Don't Go! Possibly the worst film ever made.
Hollywood stars debase themselves.
Movie 43 claims to include the biggest ensemble cast ever assembled. This made me curious enough to go and see it without knowing anything else about it. Indeed, there are Oscar winners, Oscar nominees, well-regarded comedy actors and even Richard Gere, who years after he became known and beloved as a wealthy 90s kerb-crawler still has excellent hair. Without duress, all of these legitimate actors agreed to participate in this film. It is important to remember this. We all have choices.
The premise is virtually non-existent - a trio of teenagers search the internet for a the most dangerous video ever made, entitled "Movie 43". Amidst their search, they come across various different movies also numbered 43 and as each clip pops up on their computer screen, we, the perplexed audience, are forced to watch them. With only the briefest moments of exception, Movie 43 amounts to a discharge of searingly crude, painfully unfunny, tasteless, idiotic and entirely unrelated short sketches. It is beyond unconscionable that this horrendous mess ever made it to screen.
The premise is virtually non-existent - a trio of teenagers search the internet for a the most dangerous video ever made, entitled "Movie 43". Amidst their search, they come across various different movies also numbered 43 and as each clip pops up on their computer screen, we, the perplexed audience, are forced to watch them. With only the briefest moments of exception, Movie 43 amounts to a discharge of searingly crude, painfully unfunny, tasteless, idiotic and entirely unrelated short sketches. It is beyond unconscionable that this horrendous mess ever made it to screen.
After 15 or 20 minutes of being daubed with this cinematic equivalent of effluence, and from the very moment that Hugh Jackman revealed a giant pair of testicles hanging from his neck while on a date with Kate Winslet, my devastated soul began trying to escape my body in order to salvage my self-respect. If only my legs had had the same sense of urgency.
The real tragedy is that Hugh and Kate's offence was not the worst, by any means. To put it in context, the brief stories with which Movie 43 barbarously bash us with includes Anna Faris (Scary Movie) asking her fiancé to "poop" on her, and the graphic consequences; Richard Gere (Hachi: A Dog's Tale) heading up a company that designed the "iBabe" - an mp3 player shaped like a nude, life-size woman but has an inappropriately positioned fan that inadvertently maims teenage boys; Gerard Butler (P.S. I Love you) miniaturised into a foul-mouthed leprechaun while Sean-William Scott (American Pie) and Johnny Knoxville (Jackass: The Movie) steal his pot of gold and brutally murder him; Stephen Merchant (Gnomeo and Juliet) and Halle Berry (Catwoman) playing truth or dare on a date which includes facial tattoos of genitals and making guacamole with a breast; and Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers 2) and Uma Thurman (Paycheck) smothering their own dignity in a poorly constructed sketch about a superhero speed-dating session.
Now if you think that any of those situations sound at all funny, you are either 13 years old or you see that some of them possibly could have been. The problem is that it would only be funny if it was clever, but there is so little intelligence in this movie that at certain points I could hear my brain independently trying to save itself by independently taking its own life.
The real tragedy is that Hugh and Kate's offence was not the worst, by any means. To put it in context, the brief stories with which Movie 43 barbarously bash us with includes Anna Faris (Scary Movie) asking her fiancé to "poop" on her, and the graphic consequences; Richard Gere (Hachi: A Dog's Tale) heading up a company that designed the "iBabe" - an mp3 player shaped like a nude, life-size woman but has an inappropriately positioned fan that inadvertently maims teenage boys; Gerard Butler (P.S. I Love you) miniaturised into a foul-mouthed leprechaun while Sean-William Scott (American Pie) and Johnny Knoxville (Jackass: The Movie) steal his pot of gold and brutally murder him; Stephen Merchant (Gnomeo and Juliet) and Halle Berry (Catwoman) playing truth or dare on a date which includes facial tattoos of genitals and making guacamole with a breast; and Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers 2) and Uma Thurman (Paycheck) smothering their own dignity in a poorly constructed sketch about a superhero speed-dating session.
Now if you think that any of those situations sound at all funny, you are either 13 years old or you see that some of them possibly could have been. The problem is that it would only be funny if it was clever, but there is so little intelligence in this movie that at certain points I could hear my brain independently trying to save itself by independently taking its own life.
In amongst the excruciating horror there were, nonetheless, a couple of not entirely horrific gags that did not rely solely on the lowest and crudest form of humour: a 15 second appeal advert which was "paid for" by the "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children Inside Machines"; and a conscious skit about a girl that gets her first period in front of several inept and terrified men. Other than one or two chuckles, the only noises from the audience was the sound of us choking on our collective shame at having stayed for the whole film.
Movie 43 is a tragic reflection of how the compass of humour can so easily and lazily wobble towards the mind-numbing and graphically obnoxious without the consolation of a single degree of intelligent effort behind it.
Unless you feel that your life will be particularly enriched by a scatter-gun barrage of "poop", "boobs" or "balls", don't go anywhere near this film, lest you fear the cinema until your final days.
Movie 43 is a tragic reflection of how the compass of humour can so easily and lazily wobble towards the mind-numbing and graphically obnoxious without the consolation of a single degree of intelligent effort behind it.
Unless you feel that your life will be particularly enriched by a scatter-gun barrage of "poop", "boobs" or "balls", don't go anywhere near this film, lest you fear the cinema until your final days.
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