Fifty Shades Darker
Don't Go! Softcore porn loses to hardcore yawns.
Fifty Shades Worser.
Fifty Shades of Grey was a splendid abomination. Excruciatingly awkward, it delivered much more pain from its brittle dialogue and protagonists’ uncomfortable relationship than the whips and batons that gave thrust to the “storyline”. It was full of malnourished messages about mating and counter-productive attempts at arousing its audience. Yet, like accidentally coming across a video of Pierce Morgan biting his lip and seductively performing a lap dance in stained pants and oversized spectacles, there was something tragically compelling about seeing an obnoxious cultural phenomenon achieve the cinematic equivalent of a dilapidated twerk.
This puts the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, in a difficult, non-missionary position. Facing a contorted, Kama Sutra-style challenge, it either has to be at least as bad or a-gazillion times better than its predecessor to be any good. With director James Foley (Perfect Stranger) taking over from Razzie “Worst Director” nominated Sam Taylor-Johnson, one way or another, it’ll be whipped into a different shape.
This puts the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, in a difficult, non-missionary position. Facing a contorted, Kama Sutra-style challenge, it either has to be at least as bad or a-gazillion times better than its predecessor to be any good. With director James Foley (Perfect Stranger) taking over from Razzie “Worst Director” nominated Sam Taylor-Johnson, one way or another, it’ll be whipped into a different shape.
If you’ve read the book, you’ll know how it…goes down. After negotiations on an S&M sex contract somehow failed, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia “Ana” Steele (Dakota Johnson) are estranged, but still filled with a festering longing for one another. Ana has begun her dream job at a publishing house - working for leering slimeball Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson, Smallville) - while Christian has put his spanking to one side to focus on his primary perversity: coercing Ana to be his woman. Very quickly, they reconcile and get back to rubbing up on each other. Ana demands that Christian confronts his troubled past of abuse as a child and the continued affection of his previous, psychologically-damaged/damaging lovers. Meanwhile, Ana competes with her boss’s advances at work and the eternally futile battle of trying to change an emotionally stunted man into less of a relentless prick. In between all that, there is “ooh err” sex: sometimes in ways that would make your granny deeply confused, and others that she would probably find underwhelming. [NB: As we know from the movies, the degree of whelm experienced by your granny will directly correlate with her proximity to US Air Force barracks during the Second World War.]
Strictly speaking, Fifty Shades Darker is a “better” film than Fifty Shades of Grey. The actors both seem around twenty shades more comfortable in their roles than previously. Jamie Dornan’s accent is thirteen shades more American. The dialogue is about three shades better (although the line “I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank you”, is one of many examples of how narrow the improvement). The story is 0.5 shades less misogynist. The sex scenes are between five and eight shades more titillating than in the original; if occasionally a shade or two...agricultural. Yet, it is all of these “improvements” that make Fifty Shades Darker inherently problematic. By neutralising the all-important “so-bad-it’s-good” effect, what remains is excruciatingly pointless. If Fifty Shades of Grey was akin to a series of unfortunate but bemusing premature ejaculations, Fifty Shades Darker is more like being sleepily dry humped for 118 minutes without any kind of prospective climax. We barely get a mild friction burn.
Strictly speaking, Fifty Shades Darker is a “better” film than Fifty Shades of Grey. The actors both seem around twenty shades more comfortable in their roles than previously. Jamie Dornan’s accent is thirteen shades more American. The dialogue is about three shades better (although the line “I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank you”, is one of many examples of how narrow the improvement). The story is 0.5 shades less misogynist. The sex scenes are between five and eight shades more titillating than in the original; if occasionally a shade or two...agricultural. Yet, it is all of these “improvements” that make Fifty Shades Darker inherently problematic. By neutralising the all-important “so-bad-it’s-good” effect, what remains is excruciatingly pointless. If Fifty Shades of Grey was akin to a series of unfortunate but bemusing premature ejaculations, Fifty Shades Darker is more like being sleepily dry humped for 118 minutes without any kind of prospective climax. We barely get a mild friction burn.
To reach the heart of the film’s difficulty, momentarily put yourself in the shoes of Ana (or, indeed, Melania Trump). You’re in a physically-driven relationship with a wealthy, uncommunicative narcissist who has less emotional intelligence than a baby sea urchin. Imagine that several weeks of your relationship are filmed, and your texts to each other harvested. Then, all of that footage is edited, cutting out almost everything except your trite and self-referential conversations about your incredibly tedious, mutually manipulative relationship. Throw in some of the unnecessarily quirky sex you had, and some overhead images of you and your oaf on a yacht. Even with Zain Malik's high-pitched singing over the top, would that be interesting to you? Perhaps. To anyone else? Almost certainly not. At its best, Fifty Shades Darker clings to this mundane format. At worst, it diminishes the serious and sensitive issues of child neglect, emotional abuse, sexual harassment by an employer and the horrors of being stalked into little more than a justifiable desire to sexually abuse women or an effective means of gaining a promotion at work.
If you are too shy to look up some soft pornography on the internet (most likely with a better story and more developed characters), and would prefer instead to watch some in an auditorium with a group of strangers, this movie is for you. Otherwise, really, don't go.
If you are too shy to look up some soft pornography on the internet (most likely with a better story and more developed characters), and would prefer instead to watch some in an auditorium with a group of strangers, this movie is for you. Otherwise, really, don't go.
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