Fantastic 4
Don't Go! Could not be less fantastic.
Another Fantastic 4 origin story.
There are so many superheroes now that we may actually need a superhero to save us from collectively yawning ourselves to death. Time after time the world is saved from some nemesis that the heroes themselves seem to have created, but yet they keep coming back for more. Whether we like it or not, Fantastic 4 (Superhero Movie #937) is here to re-join the action. It follows the primary school nativity play that was Fantastic Four (2005) and the town hall pantomime of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007). Thankfully, we have a whole new cast, in no small part because one of the original actors, Chris Evans, is now plying his trade as Captain America, who just so happens to be another Marvel superhero. The cycle is endless.
This new version of Fantastic 4 (a.k.a Fant4stic - a naming abomination) is a rebooted origin story. Apparently the film-makers found it necessary to go back to the beginning AGAIN to find out AGAIN exactly what we already know about how these spandex clad oddities came into being. The story is therefore virtually indistinguishable from 2005's Fantastic Four. Sequels are one thing, but making the same movie twice within ten years? Nearly unforgivable in itself, regardless of how good the remake might be. Having said that, at least the original Fantastic Four was so poor that surely Fantastic 4 would at least be better this time around? Apparently not. Things have gotten worse.
Unlike other cinematic superheroes of recent times, the science that underlies this Fantastic 4 is unusually weak. This is its biggest and most terminal flaw. Superman is an alien - fine. Iron Man is a genius who builds his own suits - fine. X-Men are the next step in human evolution - fine. The list goes on - leaps of imagination, but over a gap small enough that we can make it to the other side. On the other hand, five twenty-somethings (the four heroes as well as the eventual bad guy, Victor von Doom - another naming abomination) mastering inter-dimensional travel; travelling to a strange planet; getting bombarded by wispy green energy then somehow gaining powers of stretchiness, flight and fire, invisibility and rock-covered, super strength is more full of holes than a sweaty slab of Swiss cheese.
Unlike other cinematic superheroes of recent times, the science that underlies this Fantastic 4 is unusually weak. This is its biggest and most terminal flaw. Superman is an alien - fine. Iron Man is a genius who builds his own suits - fine. X-Men are the next step in human evolution - fine. The list goes on - leaps of imagination, but over a gap small enough that we can make it to the other side. On the other hand, five twenty-somethings (the four heroes as well as the eventual bad guy, Victor von Doom - another naming abomination) mastering inter-dimensional travel; travelling to a strange planet; getting bombarded by wispy green energy then somehow gaining powers of stretchiness, flight and fire, invisibility and rock-covered, super strength is more full of holes than a sweaty slab of Swiss cheese.
Instead of realising this and sticking to the action, humour, relationships and character development that we crave from comic book films, we are dragged painfully through a deeply flawed, poorly imagined, hypothetical physics documentary for all but 20 minutes of the 1 hour 40 minute running time. To labour this aspect of the film is indefensible. It forces the faultiest aspect of the Fantastic 4 concept relentlessly down our throats, like serving us a Christmas dinner made up of 95% Brussel sprouts. There is barely a dry, paper thin slice of turkey to chew on - no enjoyment, no fun and no intelligence; poorly motivated characters, and a climax so brief that - like the result of two teenagers dry humping each other by the bins behind a Nandos in Croydon for nearly 2 hours - it is exhausting, regrettable and entirely forgettable.
Having said that, it's not any single aspect alone that makes it a $120 million waste of time. Yes, the story and script are criminally dreary, draggy and flat; but the cast, the cinematography, the special effects - each of these components is shoulder shruggingly...okay. Bof, as the French so onomatopoeically put it. Sadly, however, pulling together so many mediocre elements - so much bof - has an exponential effect. The end result is a film so incredibly lacklustre that it is virtually devoid of anything of substance. It's so empty, it makes more sense to pity it than dislike it.
Having said that, it's not any single aspect alone that makes it a $120 million waste of time. Yes, the story and script are criminally dreary, draggy and flat; but the cast, the cinematography, the special effects - each of these components is shoulder shruggingly...okay. Bof, as the French so onomatopoeically put it. Sadly, however, pulling together so many mediocre elements - so much bof - has an exponential effect. The end result is a film so incredibly lacklustre that it is virtually devoid of anything of substance. It's so empty, it makes more sense to pity it than dislike it.
It salvages one minor shred of dignity in its brief expression of the characters' superpowers, which are used in a much more interesting way than in the previous movies. There is also a black superhero (gasp!) in the shape of The Human Torch (Michael B. Jordan, Friday Night Lights (TV)) - a long overdue modernisation of dated, almost entirely white-only comic book characters seen on screen. It is just a shame that he has arrived in one of the least enjoyable superhero films of modern times and may never be seen again.
So, don't go. It's important that you don't. If the studio gets enough money, we'll end up with a sequel entitled Fant4s2ic. That would be too much to bear.
So, don't go. It's important that you don't. If the studio gets enough money, we'll end up with a sequel entitled Fant4s2ic. That would be too much to bear.
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